The Webwork of a Wacky Woman

To the few of you who are fans of my foible formulations, I'm sure you have figured out the frivolous freakfest that is Amber. First and foremost, I am weird woman who often likes to speak in third person and is addicted to alliteration amongst other avocations.

I am easily obsessed with online games such as Tetris and Bejewled Blitz and have the potential to play them for hours on end (if not interrupted).

I enjoy reading fanfiction (fiction online based on popular original fiction novels and movies) about my favorite series of novels (still yet to be discussed, but I am going to get there eventually, promise) and have recently started writing some myself as an outlet for my anxiety (which if you haven't noticed, is a recurring rambling amongst my entries).

I have blogged about blogging, not once, but twice. I have also blogged about the fact I am fascinated with Rupert Grint despite the odd looks and huffs I get when admitting this and talking at length about him to friends.

It is because of my favorite fiction and fixation with Mr. Grint that I am also obsessed with British English (big clues in there folks) and love such expressions as bloody hell, sod of, snogging senseless, and barking mad.

I am neurotic (no really?), so much so that I need to channel my neuroticism into must follow daily habits, such as needing to spend exactly 30 min cleaning the first floor day by day and doing daily washing and drying OR folding of laundry, but not both, merely because the touch of OCD and ADD I deal with on a regular basis has interfered with my ability to focus on anything that I am not inherently ardent about; so sitting here and typing a blog is no problem (as long as I'm not interrupted), but the idea of going upstairs to declutter my closet causes my brain to go batty and my focusing facilities to fail me.

Obviously, as previously stated in my post before this one, I love long complicated sentences (yes folks, the paragraph above is indeed one sentence), and apparently by this post, painstakingly enjoy parenthetical prose.

If you think this is all nutters, I have something else that may take the cake: I need to flush my facebook notes because I don't feel they accurately characterize me any longer, and as I am going through said notes (mainly a bunch of filled out surveys) I have ironically discovered even more madcap things about Amber, that would be me, the wacky woman is about to share these offhand oddities with you.

I need to start with my foodisms, because I found enough of them to have their own category:

Texture is huge. I like tomato sauce and ketchup, but not tomatoes. I like grape jelly, but not grapes. I pass on foods with rubbery skin and mushy insides

I like peanut butter, but not peanuts.

I don't like strawberries or coffee.

I was asked a question about my favorite salad dressing; my answer was, "Light Italian, on a shredded carrot salad. I'm admitting my weirdness . . . I'm not a fan of lettuce folks, so give me a bed of shredded carrots and I'll put all the salad toppings on it. :)"

And just a few more incidental idiosyncrasies:

I love to watch (or used to anyway) The Biggest Loser while eating a big bowl of ice cream.

I listed Dancing Queen as the song that represents me the most.

I swore I would never do two things as a parent; lick my fingers to wipe my kid's face and let them watch Barney. I do both.

Despite the fact that I'm now 32, I love to watch the new 90210.

Apparently my "gangsta name" is Ambizzle

In July 2009 I was obviously bold enough to say the one of the three names I go by is "Sexy" (Amber and Mommy being the other two)

Finally, to emulate the quality of my quirkiness, I feel the need to color code this post so I can plainly point out peculiarities I have stolen from old facebook notes. I could clearly continue with a lengthier list describing my departure from dullness, but I bet by now you get the bottom line.

The Tireless Troubles of Thought

I have one of those brains that never shuts up! It nags and nags and nags until I do stuff like drink a glass of wine and type a blog at 1am. SERIOUSLY! At this particular moment the inner disruption is caused by another blog I tried to write earlier this evening, but just couldn't come up with enough cohesive ideas to finish it. Heaven forbid I put something away and just let it go, but for my brain it's rarely possible. I've tried several things to remedy the clutter inside my head, some of which include meditation, prayer, distraction, and routine . . . all of which may work if I actually stuck with them, but when you have a brain that never stops talking (which is inevitably the cause of my diarrhea of the mouth), sticking with such potential therapies is a very difficult task indeed. I often wonder what it's like to be one of those lucky people who can just tune everything out and shut off all internal commotion. I dream of a world where blackness overtakes my mind at times of stress and fatigue, but even the wine I consume while typing this doesn't cause such an effect. The past few days have been particularly bothersome as I've been unable to do the simplest of tasks, even my current favorite pastime of reading, which in fact is usually one of the few things that 'takes me away from it all'. Actually writing was the only thing I could seemingly do well this week, until tonight that is as I struggle to put this endless stream of thought into simple reading material and wonder how barbaric this sounds to those of you reading it. I yearn to be present, one with the moment, but on the rare instance the occasion arises, I freak out.

Today I had the unfortunate experience of catching my precious Aidan dealing with the same issue, something of which I know he has been struggling with for awhile now. What is a mother to do when her child cannot control the obsessive ramblings in his head especially when she can't control her own? Today for him it was all about blueberries and grapes, of which he asked for as a part of his lunch. Upon eating them he discovered that some of them were starting to wrinkle, aka they weren't perfect. I asked him to place the ones he didn't want on the table, but to please finish the remainder of the fruit for which he asked to eat. After I few minutes I began to hear him talk to himself. I don't know exactly what he was saying, but it was repetitive, some kind of routine to get him through the 'challenge' I presented him. I suddenly stopped what I was doing and confronted him on the matter. "Aidan," I said, "does the same thought about the wrinkled blueberries keep repeating itself in your head over and over?" He answered with a nod and a sullen look on his face. I sighed and let him know that mommy has the same problem too. I followed by giving him the best advice I could, "Honey, when that happens, do your best to take a breath, and then think about something else." Again he nodded and we made an agreement that he could finish the fruit with his dinner. If only I could take my own advice.

I think this, my third entry, is serving the true purpose of a blog, which is just typing random thoughts and uploading them to a website for everyone to read. It's not interesting, witty, or insightful, but it's real, or real for me anyway. It's a look inside the brain of a mom, wife, and woman who struggles daily with prospect of being a better person but not sure how to do that. I want to be smarter, braver, a better wife to my husband, and a better role model for my kids, but my brain obsesses on these ideologies so much that its constant jabs keep me from doing the actions it would require of me to make such improvements. But now in this moment, where I have therapeutically cleansed my brain of its crazed ruminations by putting them in writing, maybe my mind can take respite, if only for a little while, or maybe just long enough that I can fall asleep quickly when I lay my head to rest. Here's to six hours of sleep; I am counting on you for a new start tomorrow.

Is It Really Worth Blogging About?

So my idea to start a blog began on facebook with the following status update:

Amber will surely go mad by the time Emie [my daughter] is a teenager. Everything is a battle with her. I let her pick out her clothes to wear today to avoid the battle we have each morning, but that wasn't good enough. She had to argue with me about whether or not her underwear goes on before her jeans. REALLY? She's not even three yet.

To which my friend Martin replied:
Amber, please start a blog. :)

The conversation continued as such:

Amber – About what, my children's antics?

Martin – Yes, all about your life as a mom, wife, and beautiful woman in Columbus, OH . . . first person narrative is compelling . . . yours will be great! Plus, new hobby! ;)

Amber – Martin, you are truly too much. I actually have considered it, but not sure that anyone but you would be interested. We'll see. :)

Martin – Are you trying to say I'm not important? :)

Amber – Okay Martin, I will write it just for you, because you are so very important. ;)

Martin – Now you are being patronizing. ;)

Amber – Now Martin, do you really find me to be the kind to patronize? I'm hurt. Lol!

Martin – No, you're the kind of good friend it's okay to tease. ;)

So I decided to indulge Martin and I typed a note on facebook. Since those few short hours ago, I have come to my senses and decided to start my own blog site instead. I give you my copied and pasted note from fb as my first post. I appreciate any comments you may have, whether you post them here or on my links to here from fb. Enjoy!

So if any of you were privy to my latest status update today (01-26-10), you will know that a friend recommended I start a blog. 'A blog, REALLY', I thougt to myself, 'what on earth do I have to blog about'? I am a stay-at-home mother of two who spends her days fixing meals, chauffeuring the kids, and doing various household chores, who happens to have a variety of interests that include reading, crocheting, and as of recent writing. Additionally, if you know me well, you know I can talk just about anything, and do it for a long time. My friends often do not wish to converse with me on the phone and wish I would use text more often. I often use email and facebook as methods of communication, but even my letters and messages there are quite long. I have gotten better with age at learning when and how to shorten said messages and cut down on the conversation time, but being the stay-at-home mom I am, with a husband who uses up most of his words for the day at work, I thrive on any adult conversation I can get. I used to be an introvert, but since I started staying home with my kids, I find I will talk to anyone about almost anything, and even let complete strangers know what I think of their opinions and am more than happy to share mine. So when you combine this all these factors together, perhaps I do indeed have something to blog about, and I will begin with the thing that should, in theory, occupy the majority of my time, and yet is the bane of my existence, housework.

I swear I was born with a metaphorical silver spoon in my mouth, one that was meant to be there but never really was. In my younger years I had to work for almost everything I wanted, so it seems odd to me that I dream of having a full time maid, and that maybe one day when I have a job outside the home I will fulfill that dream. Inevitably though, that dream will come with another set of sacrifices, so for now, I will say I am blessed to stay home with my kids, and doing housework is part of that bargain. However, if you have read my 'about me' section here on fb, you will know that "I procrastinate better than anyone I know". I often put the housework on hold to do my aforementioned favorite pastimes. In fact, I hate housework so much that I will even put it off to do a not-so-favorite pastime of cardio and light weight-training, of which my motivation only comes from the end result. I will find any reason in the world to put off a project I do not want to do, and as with exercise, only the potential end result provides me with the drive to 'just get it done'. I have tried many times to create new habits and overcome my lack of motivation, but to no avail, as the end result always seems to be back-loaded laundry and clutter that is often otherwise classified as laziness. The fact that I'm typing this blog and admitting this to the world (okay, just my 130+ fb friends) is proof positive that I will do anything to get out of the 'must-do's' of everyday life. I seriously need to read 'The Road Less Traveled', but then here I am back at square one, reading and not doing the blight of most working class people, such as myself.

So as I am trying to finish this up, I must state that my husband suddenly got the urge to talk. "What are you doing? Are you typing a blog? You know we have a blog site that I set up . . . . Look, 'Scrubs' is on TV tonight." I told him to watch something else while I finish this, which means I must enjoy what I'm doing. So perhaps you will see more blurbs from me in the future and I may actually put the blog site my husband set up to use.

As I close, I must dedicate this to Martin, who always thinks far too highly of me, yet inspires me to believe I can do more than I ever thought possible for myself. My friend, I apologize if you felt patronized today, but you know me, I can hardly contain myself when I have the opportunity to be a smart-ass. ;) I enjoy reading your blog, which I continue to believe will be far better than anything I could ramble on about, but thank you for believing I'm capable writing something that others would be interested in reading. Maybe you will be right (for once, lol) and can someday say "I told you so!"