Friday, January 29, 2010

The Tireless Troubles of Thought

I have one of those brains that never shuts up! It nags and nags and nags until I do stuff like drink a glass of wine and type a blog at 1am. SERIOUSLY! At this particular moment the inner disruption is caused by another blog I tried to write earlier this evening, but just couldn't come up with enough cohesive ideas to finish it. Heaven forbid I put something away and just let it go, but for my brain it's rarely possible. I've tried several things to remedy the clutter inside my head, some of which include meditation, prayer, distraction, and routine . . . all of which may work if I actually stuck with them, but when you have a brain that never stops talking (which is inevitably the cause of my diarrhea of the mouth), sticking with such potential therapies is a very difficult task indeed. I often wonder what it's like to be one of those lucky people who can just tune everything out and shut off all internal commotion. I dream of a world where blackness overtakes my mind at times of stress and fatigue, but even the wine I consume while typing this doesn't cause such an effect. The past few days have been particularly bothersome as I've been unable to do the simplest of tasks, even my current favorite pastime of reading, which in fact is usually one of the few things that 'takes me away from it all'. Actually writing was the only thing I could seemingly do well this week, until tonight that is as I struggle to put this endless stream of thought into simple reading material and wonder how barbaric this sounds to those of you reading it. I yearn to be present, one with the moment, but on the rare instance the occasion arises, I freak out.

Today I had the unfortunate experience of catching my precious Aidan dealing with the same issue, something of which I know he has been struggling with for awhile now. What is a mother to do when her child cannot control the obsessive ramblings in his head especially when she can't control her own? Today for him it was all about blueberries and grapes, of which he asked for as a part of his lunch. Upon eating them he discovered that some of them were starting to wrinkle, aka they weren't perfect. I asked him to place the ones he didn't want on the table, but to please finish the remainder of the fruit for which he asked to eat. After I few minutes I began to hear him talk to himself. I don't know exactly what he was saying, but it was repetitive, some kind of routine to get him through the 'challenge' I presented him. I suddenly stopped what I was doing and confronted him on the matter. "Aidan," I said, "does the same thought about the wrinkled blueberries keep repeating itself in your head over and over?" He answered with a nod and a sullen look on his face. I sighed and let him know that mommy has the same problem too. I followed by giving him the best advice I could, "Honey, when that happens, do your best to take a breath, and then think about something else." Again he nodded and we made an agreement that he could finish the fruit with his dinner. If only I could take my own advice.

I think this, my third entry, is serving the true purpose of a blog, which is just typing random thoughts and uploading them to a website for everyone to read. It's not interesting, witty, or insightful, but it's real, or real for me anyway. It's a look inside the brain of a mom, wife, and woman who struggles daily with prospect of being a better person but not sure how to do that. I want to be smarter, braver, a better wife to my husband, and a better role model for my kids, but my brain obsesses on these ideologies so much that its constant jabs keep me from doing the actions it would require of me to make such improvements. But now in this moment, where I have therapeutically cleansed my brain of its crazed ruminations by putting them in writing, maybe my mind can take respite, if only for a little while, or maybe just long enough that I can fall asleep quickly when I lay my head to rest. Here's to six hours of sleep; I am counting on you for a new start tomorrow.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

When a Man Loves a Woman

I must shout it from the roof tops, for it is something I can no longer keep to myself . . . . I have the best effing husband in the world. Now, I know that those of you lovely ladies who are married think I must be wrong, because you obviously have the best husband in the world, but I protest, for I have proof. This man, Jon, who has been my husband for 9.5 years and my companion for over 11, puts up with more bullshit than you will ever know. I'm moody, opinionated, and stubborn beyond belief. I'm hot-tempered, loud-mouthed, and regularly give Jon flack for not doing the things I've asked of him. If you read my prior blog, you will know that I do not keep up with the household chores as often as I should. Yet Jon, who is no doubt a saint, is still by my side. He does the dishes, gives the kids their baths, and today sent me 50 roses just because. He is also a man who is not jealous, and takes it as a personal compliment when someone praises my appearance and/or talents. He is so secure in our relationship in fact, that he made me a personal calendar of my favorite male celebrity for Christmas (some of you already know about my latest obsession with this famous man, but for those of you who don't, I will keep it to myself for now and write more about him another time). Jon is more than I ever dreamed for myself, and for that I am grateful.

To those of you who do not know, Jon and I met in college. He was friends with many of my friends, and a mere acquaintance for over a year before we began to form our own friendship. We spent much time together with our mutual friends around us and not much time alone. So when I suggested we all go see Meet Joe Black as a group and Jon was the only one who agreed to go, I felt guilty about seeing it alone with him w/o confessing that I was interested in much more than sheer friendship. I chalked up some courage and had that all too awkward discussion with him to which his response was, "Amber, I would love to go out with you." The next night we had our first date. We kept our original plans and indeed saw 'Meet Joe Black', however not far into the movie there came a point where I thought I might not go out with him again. It's hard for me to imagine the path my life would have taken if I had used only a single moment to make a truly poor decision that Jon might not be worth my time. Of all things I thought he was insensitive. Don't get me wrong, he has his moments, but I think back to all the wonderful heartfelt things he has done for me since we've been together and ponder how I earth I could ever have thought him to be unfeeling. So as the wife he has treated so dearly, I decided one of the ways to show him my appreciation was to write about how great he is and let others know how truly lucky I am.

Many of you must be wondering at this point (if you haven't already heard the story) what it on earth it was that Jon did that made me think for the briefest moment that perhaps he wasn't right for me after all. Let me first say that hindsight gives you a lot of perspective, as does age, and something this petty would not deter me from being in a relationship with someone today, and evidently I had enough foresight to know that I would one day look back on my thoughts and reflect on how stupid I really was in that moment. So for those of you who haven't seen Meet Joe Black and do not wish to be spoiled, read no further. For those of you have seen it, you know that close to the beginning of the movie Joe gets hit by a car, not once, but twice. On the second swipe Jon started to laugh hysterically and I was actually quite appalled that someone would think another person's death would be so humorous (and as Jon previews this he is laughing uncontrollably and insisting that if they just wanted to kill him without laughs, they only would have hit him with one car). I today can see the humor in the scene myself, but at the time I was too snobby to view things that way. Today I see things from the other side and know I am blessed that Jon continued to date me and stick with me through the thick and thin of it all.

So now I should be the wife that Jon deserves and stop typing this blog and go and do the things that make me a better wife, which may or may not include household chores. J

Is It Really Worth Blogging About?

So my idea to start a blog began on facebook with the following status update:

Amber will surely go mad by the time Emie [my daughter] is a teenager. Everything is a battle with her. I let her pick out her clothes to wear today to avoid the battle we have each morning, but that wasn't good enough. She had to argue with me about whether or not her underwear goes on before her jeans. REALLY? She's not even three yet.

To which my friend Martin replied:
Amber, please start a blog. :)

The conversation continued as such:

Amber – About what, my children's antics?

Martin – Yes, all about your life as a mom, wife, and beautiful woman in Columbus, OH . . . first person narrative is compelling . . . yours will be great! Plus, new hobby! ;)

Amber – Martin, you are truly too much. I actually have considered it, but not sure that anyone but you would be interested. We'll see. :)

Martin – Are you trying to say I'm not important? :)

Amber – Okay Martin, I will write it just for you, because you are so very important. ;)

Martin – Now you are being patronizing. ;)

Amber – Now Martin, do you really find me to be the kind to patronize? I'm hurt. Lol!

Martin – No, you're the kind of good friend it's okay to tease. ;)

So I decided to indulge Martin and I typed a note on facebook. Since those few short hours ago, I have come to my senses and decided to start my own blog site instead. I give you my copied and pasted note from fb as my first post. I appreciate any comments you may have, whether you post them here or on my links to here from fb. Enjoy!

So if any of you were privy to my latest status update today (01-26-10), you will know that a friend recommended I start a blog. 'A blog, REALLY', I thougt to myself, 'what on earth do I have to blog about'? I am a stay-at-home mother of two who spends her days fixing meals, chauffeuring the kids, and doing various household chores, who happens to have a variety of interests that include reading, crocheting, and as of recent writing. Additionally, if you know me well, you know I can talk just about anything, and do it for a long time. My friends often do not wish to converse with me on the phone and wish I would use text more often. I often use email and facebook as methods of communication, but even my letters and messages there are quite long. I have gotten better with age at learning when and how to shorten said messages and cut down on the conversation time, but being the stay-at-home mom I am, with a husband who uses up most of his words for the day at work, I thrive on any adult conversation I can get. I used to be an introvert, but since I started staying home with my kids, I find I will talk to anyone about almost anything, and even let complete strangers know what I think of their opinions and am more than happy to share mine. So when you combine this all these factors together, perhaps I do indeed have something to blog about, and I will begin with the thing that should, in theory, occupy the majority of my time, and yet is the bane of my existence, housework.

I swear I was born with a metaphorical silver spoon in my mouth, one that was meant to be there but never really was. In my younger years I had to work for almost everything I wanted, so it seems odd to me that I dream of having a full time maid, and that maybe one day when I have a job outside the home I will fulfill that dream. Inevitably though, that dream will come with another set of sacrifices, so for now, I will say I am blessed to stay home with my kids, and doing housework is part of that bargain. However, if you have read my 'about me' section here on fb, you will know that "I procrastinate better than anyone I know". I often put the housework on hold to do my aforementioned favorite pastimes. In fact, I hate housework so much that I will even put it off to do a not-so-favorite pastime of cardio and light weight-training, of which my motivation only comes from the end result. I will find any reason in the world to put off a project I do not want to do, and as with exercise, only the potential end result provides me with the drive to 'just get it done'. I have tried many times to create new habits and overcome my lack of motivation, but to no avail, as the end result always seems to be back-loaded laundry and clutter that is often otherwise classified as laziness. The fact that I'm typing this blog and admitting this to the world (okay, just my 130+ fb friends) is proof positive that I will do anything to get out of the 'must-do's' of everyday life. I seriously need to read 'The Road Less Traveled', but then here I am back at square one, reading and not doing the blight of most working class people, such as myself.

So as I am trying to finish this up, I must state that my husband suddenly got the urge to talk. "What are you doing? Are you typing a blog? You know we have a blog site that I set up . . . . Look, 'Scrubs' is on TV tonight." I told him to watch something else while I finish this, which means I must enjoy what I'm doing. So perhaps you will see more blurbs from me in the future and I may actually put the blog site my husband set up to use.

As I close, I must dedicate this to Martin, who always thinks far too highly of me, yet inspires me to believe I can do more than I ever thought possible for myself. My friend, I apologize if you felt patronized today, but you know me, I can hardly contain myself when I have the opportunity to be a smart-ass. ;) I enjoy reading your blog, which I continue to believe will be far better than anything I could ramble on about, but thank you for believing I'm capable writing something that others would be interested in reading. Maybe you will be right (for once, lol) and can someday say "I told you so!"

Finally, I must say that I gave my husband, Jon, the opportunity to proof this before I posted it, letting it be made known that he was mentioned. His reply, "no, I trust you". I am a blessed woman indeed.