Split Spirituality and Lenten Leaps

Mardi Gras has come and gone . . . we've finished our pancakes and pazckis and Lent is now upon us. For those of you who are not familiar with the term, Lent by definition is the 40 weekdays from Ash Wednesday to Easter [of which is] observed by the Roman Catholic, Eastern, and some Protestant churches as a period of penitence and fasting (http://www.merriam-webster.com/). Being regularly dropped off at the door of an ELCA (Evangelical Lutheran Church of America) Church throughout my childhood and attending a Lutheran university where religion happens to have been one of my concentrations, deprivation and atonement are things I have practiced many a time during this season of sacrifice. Nonetheless, it's been years since the last time I have fulfilled any promises I have made for Lent, on the rare occasion I have made promises that is.

I imagine the reason for my lack of Lenten partaking is due to the fact I have been in a spiritual sinkhole for the greater part of the last 10 years, which in some measure is the reason for the overwhelming anxiety that has been a recurring theme for the bulk of my blog posts to date. I believe the source of this divine dent has much to do with the decisive disconnect between the beliefs of my youth how I presently feel about my once held viewpoints. Four years in a liberal arts religion program, a crisis of conviction, two bouts of depression, and a lifetime of guilt, all combined with my propensity for logic and reason has tainted my faith forevermore, and I fear there is no going back. It would have been so much easier to have my previous persuasions all tied up in a tidy box with a bow on top, but every time I try to put my religious views in reverse, the box ends up looking like the opened presents of a young child on Christmas morning.

Crucify, by Tori Amos, exemplifies much of how I have been feeling about devotion to deity, generally speaking, over the last several years. Of course I cannot tell you this without providing the allusive lyrics and video clip (as cheesy as I think it is) for you. Whether you choose to read, listen, or do both is up to you, but I hope you will take a moment explore what she has to say.

Every finger in the room is pointing at me
I wanna spit in their faces
Then I get afraid what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach
I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now.

Chorus

I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I've been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in
Just what God needs
One more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves
Every day I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself
Every day I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being in chains

Got a kick for a dog beggin' for love
I gotta have my suffering
So that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter
He says will you ever learn
You're just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird

Repeat Chorus

Please be
Save me
I cry

Repeat Chorus

While Crucify does a good job of conveying how I have been feeling about my wavering views, it does not exactly explain what I believe today. I have pondered picking apart my postulations for you piece by piece, but have decided it is best not to bore you with the book I may inevitably ink out. Nevertheless, I feel it is important for me to simply surmise in the shortest style possible some of those said suppositions . . . .

I believe the energy that most of us refer to as God does exist. In the same respect, I believe we are all energy from God and since energy is neither created nor destroyed, we all continue to live on in some form after the shell that is our bodies ceases to exist. I consider myself to be a Universalist who has a strong appreciation for Christian Philosophy and deem myself Christian above all other faiths because a Christian is one who professes belief in the teachings of Jesus Christ (http://www.merriam-webster.com/), which I do. I believe we are souls having human experience and are here for an education, not to climb some ladder and prove ourselves worthy of happily ever after existence. As such, I do not think our faith has anything to do with where our energy ends up after our humanity 'hits the skids', but do believe that morality (not necessarily that defined by Christianity) probably plays a large part in our afterlife experience. It is Jesus' philosophies on grace and love that contain the elements which make this hell of an earthly visit a heavenly experience.

Despite the dichotomy of my divination, I remain an avid attendee of weekly worship at my current congregation, as it is meant to be a place that exemplifies the love and grace that is so important to living this human life. While I detest domineering dogma (which is rarely an issue at my house of worship), I do believe in the overall discipline of Lent and the spiritual reconnect it can provide for one's soul, regardless of religion, philosophy, and/or faith. Therefore, I have decided it is time to make use of the Lenten season once again, but instead of making the typical temporary sacrifice that one usually makes during this time of fasting and forfeit, I choose to add new things to my life in the hope to once again become the conductor of my cavalcade. I have contemplated sharing my Lenten leaps of permutation with you, but frankly I doubt you want to hear about me taking 20 deep breaths each morning, making sure I clean for two 30 min segments daily, and consistently sitting with my kids at the table for lunch. Thus I am going to end here, for I fear I have gone on long enough, and simply sum up by saying what I hope to gain from new religious routines is an ability to cope with my current neurotic nuances and the eventual suturing of the split in my spirituality.

The Webwork of a Wacky Woman

To the few of you who are fans of my foible formulations, I'm sure you have figured out the frivolous freakfest that is Amber. First and foremost, I am weird woman who often likes to speak in third person and is addicted to alliteration amongst other avocations.

I am easily obsessed with online games such as Tetris and Bejewled Blitz and have the potential to play them for hours on end (if not interrupted).

I enjoy reading fanfiction (fiction online based on popular original fiction novels and movies) about my favorite series of novels (still yet to be discussed, but I am going to get there eventually, promise) and have recently started writing some myself as an outlet for my anxiety (which if you haven't noticed, is a recurring rambling amongst my entries).

I have blogged about blogging, not once, but twice. I have also blogged about the fact I am fascinated with Rupert Grint despite the odd looks and huffs I get when admitting this and talking at length about him to friends.

It is because of my favorite fiction and fixation with Mr. Grint that I am also obsessed with British English (big clues in there folks) and love such expressions as bloody hell, sod of, snogging senseless, and barking mad.

I am neurotic (no really?), so much so that I need to channel my neuroticism into must follow daily habits, such as needing to spend exactly 30 min cleaning the first floor day by day and doing daily washing and drying OR folding of laundry, but not both, merely because the touch of OCD and ADD I deal with on a regular basis has interfered with my ability to focus on anything that I am not inherently ardent about; so sitting here and typing a blog is no problem (as long as I'm not interrupted), but the idea of going upstairs to declutter my closet causes my brain to go batty and my focusing facilities to fail me.

Obviously, as previously stated in my post before this one, I love long complicated sentences (yes folks, the paragraph above is indeed one sentence), and apparently by this post, painstakingly enjoy parenthetical prose.

If you think this is all nutters, I have something else that may take the cake: I need to flush my facebook notes because I don't feel they accurately characterize me any longer, and as I am going through said notes (mainly a bunch of filled out surveys) I have ironically discovered even more madcap things about Amber, that would be me, the wacky woman is about to share these offhand oddities with you.

I need to start with my foodisms, because I found enough of them to have their own category:

Texture is huge. I like tomato sauce and ketchup, but not tomatoes. I like grape jelly, but not grapes. I pass on foods with rubbery skin and mushy insides

I like peanut butter, but not peanuts.

I don't like strawberries or coffee.

I was asked a question about my favorite salad dressing; my answer was, "Light Italian, on a shredded carrot salad. I'm admitting my weirdness . . . I'm not a fan of lettuce folks, so give me a bed of shredded carrots and I'll put all the salad toppings on it. :)"

And just a few more incidental idiosyncrasies:

I love to watch (or used to anyway) The Biggest Loser while eating a big bowl of ice cream.

I listed Dancing Queen as the song that represents me the most.

I swore I would never do two things as a parent; lick my fingers to wipe my kid's face and let them watch Barney. I do both.

Despite the fact that I'm now 32, I love to watch the new 90210.

Apparently my "gangsta name" is Ambizzle

In July 2009 I was obviously bold enough to say the one of the three names I go by is "Sexy" (Amber and Mommy being the other two)

Finally, to emulate the quality of my quirkiness, I feel the need to color code this post so I can plainly point out peculiarities I have stolen from old facebook notes. I could clearly continue with a lengthier list describing my departure from dullness, but I bet by now you get the bottom line.

Is It Really Worth Blogging About?

So my idea to start a blog began on facebook with the following status update:

Amber will surely go mad by the time Emie [my daughter] is a teenager. Everything is a battle with her. I let her pick out her clothes to wear today to avoid the battle we have each morning, but that wasn't good enough. She had to argue with me about whether or not her underwear goes on before her jeans. REALLY? She's not even three yet.

To which my friend Martin replied:
Amber, please start a blog. :)

The conversation continued as such:

Amber – About what, my children's antics?

Martin – Yes, all about your life as a mom, wife, and beautiful woman in Columbus, OH . . . first person narrative is compelling . . . yours will be great! Plus, new hobby! ;)

Amber – Martin, you are truly too much. I actually have considered it, but not sure that anyone but you would be interested. We'll see. :)

Martin – Are you trying to say I'm not important? :)

Amber – Okay Martin, I will write it just for you, because you are so very important. ;)

Martin – Now you are being patronizing. ;)

Amber – Now Martin, do you really find me to be the kind to patronize? I'm hurt. Lol!

Martin – No, you're the kind of good friend it's okay to tease. ;)

So I decided to indulge Martin and I typed a note on facebook. Since those few short hours ago, I have come to my senses and decided to start my own blog site instead. I give you my copied and pasted note from fb as my first post. I appreciate any comments you may have, whether you post them here or on my links to here from fb. Enjoy!

So if any of you were privy to my latest status update today (01-26-10), you will know that a friend recommended I start a blog. 'A blog, REALLY', I thougt to myself, 'what on earth do I have to blog about'? I am a stay-at-home mother of two who spends her days fixing meals, chauffeuring the kids, and doing various household chores, who happens to have a variety of interests that include reading, crocheting, and as of recent writing. Additionally, if you know me well, you know I can talk just about anything, and do it for a long time. My friends often do not wish to converse with me on the phone and wish I would use text more often. I often use email and facebook as methods of communication, but even my letters and messages there are quite long. I have gotten better with age at learning when and how to shorten said messages and cut down on the conversation time, but being the stay-at-home mom I am, with a husband who uses up most of his words for the day at work, I thrive on any adult conversation I can get. I used to be an introvert, but since I started staying home with my kids, I find I will talk to anyone about almost anything, and even let complete strangers know what I think of their opinions and am more than happy to share mine. So when you combine this all these factors together, perhaps I do indeed have something to blog about, and I will begin with the thing that should, in theory, occupy the majority of my time, and yet is the bane of my existence, housework.

I swear I was born with a metaphorical silver spoon in my mouth, one that was meant to be there but never really was. In my younger years I had to work for almost everything I wanted, so it seems odd to me that I dream of having a full time maid, and that maybe one day when I have a job outside the home I will fulfill that dream. Inevitably though, that dream will come with another set of sacrifices, so for now, I will say I am blessed to stay home with my kids, and doing housework is part of that bargain. However, if you have read my 'about me' section here on fb, you will know that "I procrastinate better than anyone I know". I often put the housework on hold to do my aforementioned favorite pastimes. In fact, I hate housework so much that I will even put it off to do a not-so-favorite pastime of cardio and light weight-training, of which my motivation only comes from the end result. I will find any reason in the world to put off a project I do not want to do, and as with exercise, only the potential end result provides me with the drive to 'just get it done'. I have tried many times to create new habits and overcome my lack of motivation, but to no avail, as the end result always seems to be back-loaded laundry and clutter that is often otherwise classified as laziness. The fact that I'm typing this blog and admitting this to the world (okay, just my 130+ fb friends) is proof positive that I will do anything to get out of the 'must-do's' of everyday life. I seriously need to read 'The Road Less Traveled', but then here I am back at square one, reading and not doing the blight of most working class people, such as myself.

So as I am trying to finish this up, I must state that my husband suddenly got the urge to talk. "What are you doing? Are you typing a blog? You know we have a blog site that I set up . . . . Look, 'Scrubs' is on TV tonight." I told him to watch something else while I finish this, which means I must enjoy what I'm doing. So perhaps you will see more blurbs from me in the future and I may actually put the blog site my husband set up to use.

As I close, I must dedicate this to Martin, who always thinks far too highly of me, yet inspires me to believe I can do more than I ever thought possible for myself. My friend, I apologize if you felt patronized today, but you know me, I can hardly contain myself when I have the opportunity to be a smart-ass. ;) I enjoy reading your blog, which I continue to believe will be far better than anything I could ramble on about, but thank you for believing I'm capable writing something that others would be interested in reading. Maybe you will be right (for once, lol) and can someday say "I told you so!"