‘Words Like Violence Break the Silence’

Talking, as I have previously established, is something I like to do frequently and for long periods of time. Much of this issue with my 'diarrhea of the mouth' is just part of who I am, but as I've stated before, it's been worsened by the fact that the only two people I get to talk to all day are ages six and two, and as interesting as my conversations with Aidan and Emie may be, they are not exactly the stimulating adult dialogues I crave so dearly day after day. So when presented with the prospect to speak with other, as my kids would say, grown-ups, I ramble on raggedly, even when my 'words are meaningless and forgettable', and the above mentioned children are assailing my arms and pleading for departure. Nonetheless, there are indeed times where I find 'words are unnecessary', and I wish to not be spoken to, and do not want to use my vast aptitude for verbiage to speak in return, but when that time is deeply desired, 'words like violence break the silence, come crashing in, into my little world' and I am walloped with the very verbal violence I've subjected so many others to time and time again.

The time someone else's chatter creates chaos on my composure and when uncommunicativeness becomes utterly important is when 'all I've ever wanted and all I've ever needed is here in my arms' – meaning there is a book is nested comfortably between my two hands. One of my favorite things to do is to escape into the world of someone else's imagination and not come up for air until I deem myself ready to do so. However, upon reaching the pinnacle of any narrative, I certainly become the most imperative person in the world to family, friends, and sometimes strangers. Emie predictably needs help on the potty; Aidan's toy inevitably needs batteries; Hallo, our precious pup, without doubt wants left outside; a friend indubitably calls to converse (which rarely happens due to my aforementioned defect); and my husband definitively decides this is the moment to actually have quaint conversation with his wife. Sometimes I feel as if I am about to split open at the seams when such situations strike and certainly am stirred to spout out, "Leave me the hell alone, I just want to finish this chapter". While that does happen on occasion, especially if it's my husband who has instigated the interruption, I usually put on my polite grin and address whoever it is that needs my attention, attention which is only precious to others when I am doing something I enjoy so immensely, such as perusing the pages of my favorite plot.

Of course, since I am indeed inspired to share such seething with you at this moment, you can confidently come to the conclusion that this interruption into my escape in fact happened today, when I was thoroughly engrossed in the first book of my favorite series of novels. I took said book to the gym, and doing so must have meant I was wearing a sign that said, "I'm desperate, please talk to me." I promise you, I have went to the gym many a time with no reading material and no one ever wanted to share with me the cute things their little tots did that morning or what their favorite movie was, but if I have a book in hand, I suddenly achieve the popularity I once longed for in high school but would much rather do without in moments like these. By now you are probably begging the question of why I would take a book to the gym in the first place, as one would not reasonably go to the gym to read. Well no, I do not go to the gym with the sole intention to read, rather to take my 9:30 class. However, my son Aidan is a walking kindergartener, which translates to me having to drop him off at school at 9:00 and pick him up at 11:30 each day, in turn leaving me no time to return home before or after class, but just enough time to sink into in my favorite story. Today however, I was beaten with a barrage of bedlam on my brain, which has now left it bouncing like a raft on the rapids of a river rather than in the peaceful placidity and alternate universe of my beloved book.

So my friends, today I have been reminded of a lesson I learned long ago . . . karma is a bitch. I have complexity to conquer, one of becoming cognizant of when to cage the cackle. There is indeed a time to Enjoy the Silence, and I am not the only one who wishes to partake of such pleasures. Perhaps I may get the sweet silence I seek if I remember that what goes around comes around and that you only get what you give.

The title of this blog and all single quoted phrases are from the song Enjoy the Silence, written by Martin Gore and originally sung by Depeche Mode.

Old Fashioned Progressiveness

The other day I was reminded that some still hold the notion of women being old fashioned, or even unaccomplished, if they make the decision to stay home with their children, and I want to know why that is. This concept is something I have not considered or been bothered by for some time, but the provocation I feel from this assumed idea resurfaced recently when I realized a friend of mine was upset by an anonymous comment made on his blog post. The lady (I assume) responsible for the remark was insinuating my friend's thoughts "[take] us back to a time when women were expected to stay home and were taught to hang of every word of their husbands," simply because he appreciated the fact that a girl he once dated loved his funny stories, particularly ones about odd things that happened to him. The point of his blog entry was far from her implications about it in my opinion, with my interpretation of it being that despite strange and bad things coming to pass, situations inevitably occur just as they should. Nonetheless, I can't deny her wayward comment struck a nerve.

Honestly, I want to know . . . what is wrong with wanting to be the one who spends the majority of my kid's time with them? By staying home our family has a great number of advantages including flexibility, more time together, and less stress (for the family unit that is). There are obvious drawbacks as well, most of which affect me, but what is a bit of sacrifice for a few years if it means the overall betterment of my children's well being and our family as a whole? Sure, we could have more money if I held a paying job, but then again my husband has a great occupation and we are budget conscience, so we still live comfortably on what he makes alone. Obviously if I produced an additional income we could buy a bigger house, have nicer vehicles, and go on more exotic vacations, but we do not need these luxuries and do not believe having any of these indulgences makes our lives any better, or makes us any more important for that matter. Personally, I am not forwarding my career or putting any money toward my retirement at this time, both of which are things I would like to accomplish, but why do I have to make such accomplishments now? I plan to go back to school, I plan to have a career, someday, but right now for me, it's my kids who are my focus. I will only ever get this one chance to savor these adorable moments that fly by me each day. In the end, it doesn't seem like that much of a sacrifice at all.

Now I know these convictions do seem conservative, but are they really? I actually consider myself to be a fairly progressive person, and even pride myself on it at times. It is not of my opinion that women stayed home "back in the day" because it was right for their kids or their family, not that they couldn't or didn't think it was befitting so to speak, rather they were mainly inclined to stay home for the reason that was in fact the norm of their time and even as the commenter said, "expected" of them. However, today I believe it is more the standard and even sometimes anticipated that women to go to work and kids to go to daycare. Consequently, aren't I being progressive by doing something so seemingly old fashioned? If truth be told, the implications of this above mentioned woman's comment are almost as suppressive as the allegedly once held belief that it was a woman's duty to stay home with her children. I, on the contrary, don't believe it is an obligation at all; alternatively it's a choice that my husband and I were fortunate enough to have in this two-income trap world. My husband and I know how privileged we are to have this opportunity and we are grateful for it each day.

Finally I want to make it clear, if I haven't done so already, that these are decisions I believe are in the best interest of myself, my kids, and my family, and that it is a choice made for my family alone. I am not a mom warrior on some war path trying to convince every woman that it is better for the world if all of us moms stayed home. I stay firm in the belief that we all have choices in this life, and the decision for my kids to be at home is one I made long before I started dating my husband, at a time when I was just being hopeful that I would indeed one day be privileged enough to meet the right person, get married, and have my beautiful babies. It was not pressed upon or expected of me; it was just something that was inherently important, if not instinctual. In fact, it was primarily imperative that my kids be home with one of their parents, meaning I could have easily been the one making the daily commute to my job if the circumstances had been different. I won't deny that I always hoped I would be the parent to stay home, but being the progressive person I believe myself to be, I was surely in favor of the stay-at-home dad as well.

So at this point I guess it is all in the perception of the reader as to whether my thoughts are old fashioned, progressive, or maybe a bit of both, but that is the beauty of humanity, that we all see things through a different pair of eyes. It would be a very boring world if we didn't.

Is It Really Worth Blogging About?

So my idea to start a blog began on facebook with the following status update:

Amber will surely go mad by the time Emie [my daughter] is a teenager. Everything is a battle with her. I let her pick out her clothes to wear today to avoid the battle we have each morning, but that wasn't good enough. She had to argue with me about whether or not her underwear goes on before her jeans. REALLY? She's not even three yet.

To which my friend Martin replied:
Amber, please start a blog. :)

The conversation continued as such:

Amber – About what, my children's antics?

Martin – Yes, all about your life as a mom, wife, and beautiful woman in Columbus, OH . . . first person narrative is compelling . . . yours will be great! Plus, new hobby! ;)

Amber – Martin, you are truly too much. I actually have considered it, but not sure that anyone but you would be interested. We'll see. :)

Martin – Are you trying to say I'm not important? :)

Amber – Okay Martin, I will write it just for you, because you are so very important. ;)

Martin – Now you are being patronizing. ;)

Amber – Now Martin, do you really find me to be the kind to patronize? I'm hurt. Lol!

Martin – No, you're the kind of good friend it's okay to tease. ;)

So I decided to indulge Martin and I typed a note on facebook. Since those few short hours ago, I have come to my senses and decided to start my own blog site instead. I give you my copied and pasted note from fb as my first post. I appreciate any comments you may have, whether you post them here or on my links to here from fb. Enjoy!

So if any of you were privy to my latest status update today (01-26-10), you will know that a friend recommended I start a blog. 'A blog, REALLY', I thougt to myself, 'what on earth do I have to blog about'? I am a stay-at-home mother of two who spends her days fixing meals, chauffeuring the kids, and doing various household chores, who happens to have a variety of interests that include reading, crocheting, and as of recent writing. Additionally, if you know me well, you know I can talk just about anything, and do it for a long time. My friends often do not wish to converse with me on the phone and wish I would use text more often. I often use email and facebook as methods of communication, but even my letters and messages there are quite long. I have gotten better with age at learning when and how to shorten said messages and cut down on the conversation time, but being the stay-at-home mom I am, with a husband who uses up most of his words for the day at work, I thrive on any adult conversation I can get. I used to be an introvert, but since I started staying home with my kids, I find I will talk to anyone about almost anything, and even let complete strangers know what I think of their opinions and am more than happy to share mine. So when you combine this all these factors together, perhaps I do indeed have something to blog about, and I will begin with the thing that should, in theory, occupy the majority of my time, and yet is the bane of my existence, housework.

I swear I was born with a metaphorical silver spoon in my mouth, one that was meant to be there but never really was. In my younger years I had to work for almost everything I wanted, so it seems odd to me that I dream of having a full time maid, and that maybe one day when I have a job outside the home I will fulfill that dream. Inevitably though, that dream will come with another set of sacrifices, so for now, I will say I am blessed to stay home with my kids, and doing housework is part of that bargain. However, if you have read my 'about me' section here on fb, you will know that "I procrastinate better than anyone I know". I often put the housework on hold to do my aforementioned favorite pastimes. In fact, I hate housework so much that I will even put it off to do a not-so-favorite pastime of cardio and light weight-training, of which my motivation only comes from the end result. I will find any reason in the world to put off a project I do not want to do, and as with exercise, only the potential end result provides me with the drive to 'just get it done'. I have tried many times to create new habits and overcome my lack of motivation, but to no avail, as the end result always seems to be back-loaded laundry and clutter that is often otherwise classified as laziness. The fact that I'm typing this blog and admitting this to the world (okay, just my 130+ fb friends) is proof positive that I will do anything to get out of the 'must-do's' of everyday life. I seriously need to read 'The Road Less Traveled', but then here I am back at square one, reading and not doing the blight of most working class people, such as myself.

So as I am trying to finish this up, I must state that my husband suddenly got the urge to talk. "What are you doing? Are you typing a blog? You know we have a blog site that I set up . . . . Look, 'Scrubs' is on TV tonight." I told him to watch something else while I finish this, which means I must enjoy what I'm doing. So perhaps you will see more blurbs from me in the future and I may actually put the blog site my husband set up to use.

As I close, I must dedicate this to Martin, who always thinks far too highly of me, yet inspires me to believe I can do more than I ever thought possible for myself. My friend, I apologize if you felt patronized today, but you know me, I can hardly contain myself when I have the opportunity to be a smart-ass. ;) I enjoy reading your blog, which I continue to believe will be far better than anything I could ramble on about, but thank you for believing I'm capable writing something that others would be interested in reading. Maybe you will be right (for once, lol) and can someday say "I told you so!"