Monday, September 27, 2010

Where the Sun Doesn’t Shine

Is your world dark and rank? Do you feel as though you are bathing in an abyss of excrement? Do you find yourself surrounded by shit and want to rid yourself of the reek in your life? If so, here are some hints to help wash away the rancidness wrapped around you:

Start by considering what is causing the crap to compile in your personal space? To find the answer you must first search through the brown fog and locate your head.

Upon finding it you will surely make the keen observation that your think tank has not been resting atop your shoulders as you once thought, rather, has unequivocally been thrust up your ass. This dim prospect may be difficult for you to accept, but you must do so before moving onto the next step.

Once you are ready, you must voluntarily pull your noggin out from between your buttocks, regardless of how long it may have been there. I know this will be hard to do, as you have lived with your head stuck in your hind-end for so long, but it is an essential part of the process. If you believe it is too trying to do on your own, find some friends within reach willing to help. They will be the ones who stuck around while your head was stuck in your lower most orifice.

Upon your primary attempts to free yourself, there will no doubt be some resistance, as your anal retentive instinct is to keep you brain firmly in its place – it is now comfortable in the home you have created for it. However, I'm sure you will find that after a bit of buoyancy, a tad of tugging, and perhaps the aid of an amigo, your skull will soon easily slide out your backside and resume its position on top of your shoulders where you can clearly see what is going on around you.

If you should succeed in returning your head to its original home, take a deep breath and make some observations. Has the odor changed? Does the world look brighter? You might detect the faint aroma of roses and see something called sunshine . . . .

Don't be alarmed if you feel awfully overwhelmed. The ability to change your outlook on life is something you haven't been acquainted with for quite some time. It will no doubt take some getting used to, but eventually you will begin to enjoy the light of day and take pleasure in the smell of sweet things around you, and perchance even prefer it to the pungency of your pooing porthole.

If the time should come when you again feel as if your life is headed to the shitter, you will predictably try to disrupt the flow of life and poo as you have done in the past. Resist this at all costs. However, if you end up experiencing an encore of your excrement, unable to see the luminosity in your life, repeat the steps above and remember, when engrossed in pessimism and unable to put things in proper perspective, that the sun doesn't shine out of your ass. Shoving your head up there further is not going to make your day any sunnier, and if you don't make every effort to put it back where it belongs, will find yourself festering in your feces and drowning in your own dung.

Good luck to you on your journey out of your ass. May you behold the beauty that exists outside of it . . . .

Side effects of following these helpful hints: You may no longer have stomach upset, bloating and/or constipation. Your head will probably stop aching and a sense of calm may overtake you. There is a chance you will sleep well and want to get out of bed in the morning, and possibly even experience happiness and joy. If you have any questions about these changes in your life, and a friend is unable to talk you through them, call a respectable therapist that is able to explain these new sensations to you.

I dedicate this to those like myself, who spent much of their lives sulking about their supposed sad state of affairs, refusing to revel in the redolence of the roses. This serves to remind me that "sunny days sweeping the clouds away" do indeed exist, and that I have the ability to enjoy them if I just remember to look up.