Friday, January 29, 2010

The Tireless Troubles of Thought

I have one of those brains that never shuts up! It nags and nags and nags until I do stuff like drink a glass of wine and type a blog at 1am. SERIOUSLY! At this particular moment the inner disruption is caused by another blog I tried to write earlier this evening, but just couldn't come up with enough cohesive ideas to finish it. Heaven forbid I put something away and just let it go, but for my brain it's rarely possible. I've tried several things to remedy the clutter inside my head, some of which include meditation, prayer, distraction, and routine . . . all of which may work if I actually stuck with them, but when you have a brain that never stops talking (which is inevitably the cause of my diarrhea of the mouth), sticking with such potential therapies is a very difficult task indeed. I often wonder what it's like to be one of those lucky people who can just tune everything out and shut off all internal commotion. I dream of a world where blackness overtakes my mind at times of stress and fatigue, but even the wine I consume while typing this doesn't cause such an effect. The past few days have been particularly bothersome as I've been unable to do the simplest of tasks, even my current favorite pastime of reading, which in fact is usually one of the few things that 'takes me away from it all'. Actually writing was the only thing I could seemingly do well this week, until tonight that is as I struggle to put this endless stream of thought into simple reading material and wonder how barbaric this sounds to those of you reading it. I yearn to be present, one with the moment, but on the rare instance the occasion arises, I freak out.

Today I had the unfortunate experience of catching my precious Aidan dealing with the same issue, something of which I know he has been struggling with for awhile now. What is a mother to do when her child cannot control the obsessive ramblings in his head especially when she can't control her own? Today for him it was all about blueberries and grapes, of which he asked for as a part of his lunch. Upon eating them he discovered that some of them were starting to wrinkle, aka they weren't perfect. I asked him to place the ones he didn't want on the table, but to please finish the remainder of the fruit for which he asked to eat. After I few minutes I began to hear him talk to himself. I don't know exactly what he was saying, but it was repetitive, some kind of routine to get him through the 'challenge' I presented him. I suddenly stopped what I was doing and confronted him on the matter. "Aidan," I said, "does the same thought about the wrinkled blueberries keep repeating itself in your head over and over?" He answered with a nod and a sullen look on his face. I sighed and let him know that mommy has the same problem too. I followed by giving him the best advice I could, "Honey, when that happens, do your best to take a breath, and then think about something else." Again he nodded and we made an agreement that he could finish the fruit with his dinner. If only I could take my own advice.

I think this, my third entry, is serving the true purpose of a blog, which is just typing random thoughts and uploading them to a website for everyone to read. It's not interesting, witty, or insightful, but it's real, or real for me anyway. It's a look inside the brain of a mom, wife, and woman who struggles daily with prospect of being a better person but not sure how to do that. I want to be smarter, braver, a better wife to my husband, and a better role model for my kids, but my brain obsesses on these ideologies so much that its constant jabs keep me from doing the actions it would require of me to make such improvements. But now in this moment, where I have therapeutically cleansed my brain of its crazed ruminations by putting them in writing, maybe my mind can take respite, if only for a little while, or maybe just long enough that I can fall asleep quickly when I lay my head to rest. Here's to six hours of sleep; I am counting on you for a new start tomorrow.

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