Thursday, December 9, 2010

Well Jingle My Balls . . .

Somehow, somewhere, I became too old for this shit…I'm being knocked into, being glared at for plugging my ears…my legs and feet hurt from standing for four-and-a-half hours…for three-and-a-quarter hours of those hours the music is not only mostly unrecognizable, but awful. I come home grouchy and exhausted, with my ears ringing and buzzing so much that I can't sleep. I have a headache and I'm sitting here now kicking myself because I keep forgetting I'm not 22 anymore, I'm 32, no wait, recently 33, and going to WNCI's Jingle Ball just isn't as much fun as it would have been 10, maybe 11 years ago.

But I didn't go to Jingle Ball 10 or 11 years ago, in fact, I've never gone before, ever. It ironically wasn't my kind of thing then, so even in my naivety, I don't know why I was a fool to think that this event would actually be entertaining to me now, rather than a mere occasion to provide all the twenty-somethings of Columbus, OH, with the opportunity to get drunk, mosh, and perhaps even hook-up with some unknown someone at the end of the evening.

The thing is, while 95% of the crowd was under 30, there were indeed people there my age, and even older. We saw a few in their forties and a handful more in their fifties, albeit some of them were sitting down in the back of the crowd, probably only there for the same reason Jon and I were, to see the headliner band, but there were more than a handful of the "older ones" who having a grand old time…which causes me to scratch my head and ask myself, am I really too old for this?

Well, age is indeed more than a number, its state of mind, and my state of mind says you are too old for this event when…

…Jesse McCartney is the MC, and is not someone you are familiar with, but the majority of the crowd is, and they go wild when he walks out on the stage as he flirts with all the girls in the front row, and brags about meeting some of them at the bar…and you are annoyed.

…you have no idea who the first two bands to play are, but there is a mosh pit going crazyfor them. They sing songs about long distance relationships and teenage heartbreak…and you are annoyed.

…you are excited to see Charice come on the stage because you have seen her on Oprah, but her leg is sprained from an accident that occurred while playing basketball and she is tired, so she only sings three songs, leaving an hour long break of party music to blast between acts…and you are annoyed.

…you are excited to finally see Michael Posner come on stage because you think his song "Cooler than Me" is, well…cool, but he sings a bunch of songs that you not only don't know, but think rather suck, and then when he finally gets to his one-hit-wonder you've been waiting for, you begin to think the "Cooler than Me" guy is not so cool after all as he peels off his shirt, beats his chest, and has the audience do most of the singing, ruining the only decent song he's "sung"…and you are wishing he'd put his ego away…and you are EXTREMELY annoyed.

…by the time Train, the band you have really been waiting for, comes trucking in, the under 25 crowd, minus those under 15 who have come to hear "Soul Sister" not even knowing who the Mister Mister is, have mostly left and you are standing there exhausted wishing you would have come three-and-a-half hours late…and you are exceptionally annoyed that you haven't.

In the end, while Train did a lovely job, and we enjoyed every moment of their performance, Jon and I decided we would have much rather have been at a quiet coffee shop doing a crossword most of the evening than standing in that portal of puberty and pestilence. I may be 32, no wait, 33, but at this Standing Room Only concert, I felt more like 50. So, you can Jingle My Balls . . . but call them saggy, because I've become an old fuddy duddy and it is highly unlikely we'll be attending this Jingle Ball event ever again.


  1. Great post.
    I love going to see live music, but it is a challenge keeping up with going to live shows as you get older.
    My old guy rules are:
    1) always show up late
    2) go to low key venues like the rumba room or hopefully nothing bigger than the newport
    3) stay in the back
    4) try to avoid being sober
    5) scrap all of these rules if you have a chance to go to lolapalooza

  2. Great Post!

    Though I dont know 2 of the bands that you listed here or may be know their songs but not those band members.

    But kudos to your endurance for watching a Live Music show. I dont think I can enjoy them anymore like I would in my younger days.