Monday, February 1, 2010

Jack of All Trades, Master of None

I am struggling with the overwhelming sensation that my creative juices are being squelched much like grapes in the process of becoming wine . . . but then again, isn't wine one of the finest creations begotten from grapes? Thus in theory, this internal conflict I've had to come up with my next blog entry should make me better writer, no? Not necessarily, because instead I choose to begin this essay of sorts with a cheesy a metaphor, in the hope that it will get those juices flowing again . . . and then of course I use a pun to elaborate the obvious. You are probably starting to notice my propensity to use ellipses also . . . ha! I must admit these literary techniques seem lame in this format, but if I were writing fiction, perhaps they would work well. Coincidentally, writing fiction is a more recent hobby of mine that I've come to enjoy very much. Presently I just write for myself, using characters from other works of fiction and developing them beyond the author's original prose. I have no plans to date to show my creative, or perhaps not so creative, writings to anyone, so the fact that I dabble with other author's characters is fine for now. However, I would love to take a creative writing class, which in turn may lead to the possibility of developing my own characters and seeing what interesting stories they inspire me to write. As with any hobby, I have a desire to master it, the writing that is, but the problem lies in the reality that I have a lot of hobbies I enjoy, which in turn makes me feel like the "jack of all trades and master of none."

A week or so ago on facebook (yes, you need to deal with the fact that I will mention it often) I typed the aforesaid cliché into my status update. It was my way of expressing that I was having a moment of jumbled inspiration. In other words, I was being pelted with a myriad of ingenious ideas all at once, and all of which involved completely different creative venues. The result was my brain being scrambled like eggs (ha, another metaphor) as it was coming at me all too fast. Just as quickly as sparks of insight were filtering into my brain they were being pushed out by new ones without being given the chance to focus on anyone one of them. Frankly, it was beyond aggravating. So after making the said post on facebook, I surprisingly received a couple responses from those who could relate, and oddly enough there was connection amongst all of us, the tie that binds being that we are all stay-at-home moms. Now from here I can only speculate as to why these lovely ladies were feeling the same way I was in that moment, but the reason I felt this way was indeed because of my creative frustration, the source being the fact that as a stay-at-home mom seamless time is certainly NOT one of the advantages I have. I am constantly interrupted in everything I do. My little darlings, as precious as they are, need fed and assistance going to the potty; they want me to help them draw pictures, do puzzles, and play games with them. Despite my children's usual adorable nature, they often whine, cry, and scream when they are not getting the things they want, they make mountains out of molehills, and of course they fight with me and each other about almost everything. My days are filled with endless blows constantly disturbing my already fragile consciousness. Even if on the rare occasion I am given the time, it is so broken and my brain is so filled with what I have to do next that there is not much thought or energy left to master much of anything. Even now as I type this, the kids are actually playing quietly in my son's room, but my brain keeps reminding me that I need to check on them in a minute. Additionally, I keep getting prodded with other things I need and want to do today . . . I need to finish cleaning out my sock drawer; I need to iron my jeans; I would really like to read another 2-3 chapters in my book today; I hope I'm going to finish that hat I'm crocheting sometime in the next century. With all these thoughts constantly pounding at my head and no cohesive time for me to put them together, frankly it is no wonder why my brain will never shut the hell up!!

So it was inevitable, I had to interrupt the process of typing this out to check on my kids, and of course while I was up there I noticed that some books needed reorganizing, thus doing that first before coming back downstairs to continue with my thoughts here. Now, I'm wondering if I'm going to be able to carry on in the direction I first began. I am distracted and frustrated that I cannot remember the next point I wanted to make. This is why my first three blogs were typed late at night, and exactly why I am always up at least 1-2 hours after I should be in bed, because it is the only chance I have for my inspired flow not to be disrupted. The late nights in itself lead to another whole set of issues of which I will save for another time, because right now I am just trying to focus on how to tie my original thoughts together, which can be summed up by saying I really just have the desire to be great at just one or two things. The ironic dichotomy of this whole situation is that I picked up all these hobbies to escape from the menagerie of daily mommy thoughts that plague my mind, but in the end all they have left me with is a more substantial amount of frustration. Ultimately my struggle to master creative direction makes me feel like a hamster running in a wheel in which it cannot escape from or stop (okay, enough with the metaphors already). Hence, for now I just need to resolve that just like housework, insurmountable aggravation is part of the bargain of being the domestic diva I am. After all, despite my complaints, being a stay-at-home parent is really not a bad gig, and the advantages of my work is something I hope to share with you sometime soon.



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